girlismurderr

i dont have to carry around a calculator anymore.
it feels weird.

+
the quality of my photography is on a negative slope.

i dont understand me.

what am i doing.

we are real.

well there's no going back now.

I TEMPORARILY switched over to Blogspot, but I think I like the familiarity of LiverJournal better. Right now, I'm trying out flickr as a photo hosting site, rather than photobucket. We'll see.

I just came back from an Ivy League tour. It was fun and it also was not. The pendulum always swings both ways. hahaa

I have a stack of medical-esque books on the corner of my desk. should I attempt to read them? Idk.

I don't think I really know myself. I have always thought that having a career that involves doing different things everyday would be awesome. That has brought me to the conclusion that I'm very whimsical. As much as I love set plans, I hardly ever experience plans following all the way through. My younger sister planned out all the sites she wanted to see when she went to California; she researched directions, times, what you can do there, etc. I admire her for that. I tried to do the same thing for the Ivy League tour so that that I would at least be able to see things I WANTED to see, but I lacked the motivation for the research..and the time.
So i'm whimsical.

Am I good at anything? some may say photography, but idk, i think it's luck. I barely know anything about the camera...heh..
I'm not musical, although I do enjoy music as much as the next person. I can't really draw. What the fuck am I? Who am I? I often don't feel confident, but since our realities come from what we believe, would that mean that if I walked around thinking I was confident..I would BE confident? Maybe that's what I need to do.

i think i can, i think i can...

i wish
i didnt want expensive things



i wish
i made more money...

cut throats
& stab hearts


ughahhhhhh
annoying.

i haven't decided what college YET
im so late on thingsss ughhhhhh

&

i realized i suck at being a girl.
but it's all a learning process, so im trying to get more feminine
it doesn't bother me as much as it used to

&

i always forget
what im supposed to be doing.

&

im sick of my parents telling me what to do
and dictating my future.

& when it rains it pours
& when i get homework i really get it



FUCK

my friends aren't my friends.  i'm not myself either.  and if i can't trust myself, i can't trust anyone.

p.s. i love free online movies !

rejected from cornell.

haha

Is it just me, or has this year gone by really fast?  I'm thinking about my life, summing it up, and it pretty much amounts to nothing.  I haven't 'made a name for myself' or risen above any adversities. 

I've been feeling extremely nostalgic recently; possibly because I'm 18...getting old!  The other day I was in Sicklerville (hometown) and..even though I knew it was coming, I was shocked at the progression of construction in that area.  I remembered walking around there on the grass or the shoulders, not the side-walks.  My friends and I would make daily hikes to Wawa, McDonald's, and even Creamies/Creanies while singing Senses Fails and Taking Back Sunday lyrics.  I remember the old houses and the old families and the old farms.  They are now in the process of being parking lots and shops.  The friggin place already has so much traffic.  We still own our old house.  Which sorta allows me to see the changes inside the abode from which I was raised.  It's strange how a place can really change once you leave it for awhile.  The kitchen isn't our kitchen anymore.  The TV room has a sliding door which I used to sneak out of, it's been amatuerly decorated with long drapes and has been concentrated on as the main focus of the room.  I'm all for interior design, but it made me sick.  My room.  wow.  If you've ever read 'All Quiet on The Western Front,' the part where Paul goes home after being on the front for several years, nails how I felt when I walked into my old room.  Last year I hung out with Nose and we went back to the neighborhood and it was apparent how things have changed.  Old groups of friends are split into new groups, and there's boyfriends, girlfriends, jobs, school, etc.  Sometimes old friends and I make contact, trying to make plans again.  Even though I have time, and could get a ride, I don't, I ignore themmm.  I guess going by there touched my childhood memories and caressed the times and the people that I sort of miss.


Although they were good times, I don't think I ever want to go back.
So much has changed.

screens are overtaking my life

my grandmother in the philippines sent me a birthday card.  it's a pretty glittery card with a cute little girl on it, flowers etc.  this card isn't like our cards because it's sorta flimsy..and actually made out of 8 1/2 ' by 11 ' paper.  i like it because it's from my somewhat sane grandmother that i haven't seen since last february and it seems to hold some invisible uniqueness.

the edges are cut crookedly.

on the back it says 'MADE IN U.S.A'

...i guess so..

im kind of excited to be turning 18 !

I haven't kept up the deal of putting up entries every week.  i suck, i have no commitment without some sort of motivation.  but in the mean time i've come across a plethora of intellectual..or just interesting observations and realizations. 

emotional impulse habits
-->habit of target:  shopping

one tries to suppress negative uncontrollable emotions by shopping. it's basic common knowledge depicted through movies and acquaintances.  why would you want to buy things when you're angry though? 

unconsciously we attach an emotion, a feeling, a memory, or a person to the merchandise.  doesn't that sound just a tad bit counter productive?  this emotional impulse shopper would associate the anger with whatever they bought and ultimately augment the negative emotion.  yes.  it is counter productive.


side note:  why do i feel like pieces of my mind deteriorate whenever i watch the tele (movie or tv shows) or use the computer or cell phone for an extensive amount of time?

maybe it's true.

it's like the saying "when it rains, it pours."
in my case, it feels like when i get hw it's a lot...a lot.
but is it really a lot, or am i just making a big deal because i haven't had hw in awhile?

i have tests in every class tomorrrowww
ugh

i've been really tired lately and having dry eyes all the time
im like an addict with eye drops these days

i hate this weather too.

so i have a late opening tomorrow, im not sure if i should fake it and pretend to have regular arrival..but just walk? so that when i "walk" to school on friday it won't seem suspicious
i dont know

i kinda hate having to sneak around
but i guess it's what makes it thrilling